It's the only way I'm going to survive.
I've always found joy in accomplishing a lot in a day. I love to make lists and am happiest when I can get everything on that list crossed off.
I distinctly remember a break down I had when Abigail was a newborn. I make pies. So, one day I decided to make an apple pie. Halfway through the process Abigail started screaming and I wasn't able to make the pie. Doesn't seem like a big deal, but for me, it was. I no longer had a say in what I did and when I did it. I was completely at her mercy. And for someone who wants to get everything accomplished on the list, that can be very hard.
Abbie was one of my harder babies. Connor, Emily and Holly have all been relatively easy and by a month I felt more or less like I could do what I did before. Holly even slept through the night from the beginning. What more could you need?
Raising Grant is taking me back to my days with Abbie. He really isn't that hard. But adding him to trying to raise four other kids is proving harder than I had expected. Once again, I no longer have a say in what I am able to get done or how much sleep I will get. I am completely at his mercy.
And that is why I have lowered all expectations for myself. Because I want to be completely at his mercy. I want to hold him when he needs it (which is lots and lots!!) and wake up with him when he is hungry. And if I expect myself to make pies, keep a clean house, lose weight, exercise, take care of others-you get the point-then he becomes a burden rather than a joy.
So for now, I'm going to be content with the extra pounds. I'm happy when breakfast dishes are done by lunch and if they are still there by dinner, no worries. As for the rest of the house-there will be a time when my house will stay clean for more than a few hours. Now is not that time. I'll do what I can. I want to fulfill my calling and help others when I can, but if Grant and my four other kids need me, then that is where my attentions will be. I'm not trying to volunteer in the kids classes all the time and am happy that I only have a handful of piano students.
There are so many things I look forward to being able to put on my list again. But for now, I'm going to spend my days holding my little miracle and realizing just how lucky I am.